by Jennifer Paros
September 2014
With Robin Williams's recent death came many articles and posts expressing sorrow over what is most commonly being called a great loss and tragedy. And though on the surface it is hard not to be aware of loss of some sort, the tremendous gain and contribution of his unique voice remains impossible to lose.
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August 2014
Recently, I met up with a large spider in my bathtub drain. I preferred showering alone but didn’t wish to squish, vacuum, or rinse away the visitor. So I fetched a cup and piece of paper, carefully made the transfer to the bathroom window, and set him free. As he fell to the grass below I realized how light he was, and it occurred to me it was as if he were his own parachute
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July 2014
I’ve always thought of determination as a fierce mental decision-making stance, witnessed in a kind of stand off between my desire to lie around and my desire to get up – with the getting up part winning. Determination seemed like victory of will - moving me through space and time up that mountain.
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June 2014
Lately, I’ve been feeling drifty. I have projects waiting for me. And I do think they’re waiting. These aren’t just passing fancies; these ideas stick around no matter how I neglect them, in full anticipation of all that they will become. I even have a novel—a couple finished drafts of it—I still want to complete. I have two other stories in progress. They’re like conversations I left mid-sentence. It’s as though I said, “Excuse me, I have to go to the bathroom” and have yet to return.
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May 2014
Geniuses are often perceived as having special brains, but the truth is that without the determination to give full attention to their internal drives and passions, there could be no such thing as genius. This determined personal focus is available to all of us, though societal expectations sometimes mark it as noncompliant and problematic. In actuality, an intense bias for one’s inner life may be an indicator of a brilliant system hard at work, striving to establish its unique creative drive.
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April 2014
I was all bent out of shape - over something I cannot now remember - feeling crummy yet still determined to get out and run some errands. As I got in the car and put my seatbelt on, I determined to at least try to feel a little better though the momentum of frustration and unhappiness was strong.
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March 2014
I was working on a birthday card for my father, and time was getting tight. I started questioning and criticizing the drawing I was making, and these thoughts were corroding my clarity and sense of security. For a while, I purposefully avoided acting on the urge to show a preliminary print of the image to my husband, sensing it was a bad idea. Eventually, however, I did.
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February 2014
Sometimes, while out and about, I become aware I am talking to myself. Once I was in the produce section of the supermarket, holding a melon, and speaking my thoughts (quietly) – How long will it take to ripen? Is it good? It doesn’t smell sweet . . and when I looked up a young man had taken notice of me. It was then I realized there was a high likelihood he was curious, not in a flattering way, but in a that-lady-might-be-crazy kind of way.
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January 2014
When I was 23, I had a talk with myself that went something like this:
“You’re not dating anyone. It doesn’t look like you’re going to be dating anyone anytime soon. Who knows when you’ll date again; you may never get married; you may never have children.”
Though I’d never planned for my future wedding, saved pictures of gowns, or dreamt of being Mrs. Right, I had assumed that marriage would be my path. It sounded like a good path. But by the age of 23, it occurred to me that my life might take a different trajectory. That evening, in the quiet of my one-bedroom apartment, alone, considering the vulnerability of my former assumptions, I made my peace. I took stock, assessed, and clarified. I knew children were important to me -- so if I had none of my own, I’d find another way of being in relation to them. As for the marriage part, I accepted it might not happen.
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December 2013
The only journey is the one within.
~ Rainier Maria Rilke
When I was in labor with my first child, after many hours I felt a sense of panic. I sat in my room on the edge of the bed, my husband and sister in and out to check on me. Every sound was too loud, every motion abrasive. A pizza had been ordered (for the others) and I could not bear to smell it; it seemed to be asking the impossible of me.
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November 2013
You really have to love yourself to get anything done in this world. ~ Lucille Ball
At the start of this school year, my fourteen- year-old son declared his desire to write a book and to use some of our homeschooling class time to work on it each day. So we set to it. But as he sat before the computer, he'd often slump, push his hands through his hair, and claim exhaustion. Then, despite my objections, encouragement, counsel, and insisting, he would close the laptop, having written little or nothing. One day at the start of our time together, he said, "I don't want to do anything."
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October 2013
If you leave the smallest corner of your head vacant for a moment, other people's opinions will rush in from all quarters.
~George Bernard Shaw
Recently, someone made comments about me that could easily be construed as unflattering. At first, I was able to steer my attention away from any troubled contemplation of the remarks. But soon, I returned to the comments and the more I returned to them, the more real they seemed - in terms of impact, and therefore real in terms of "truth." The more real they became, the more compelled I was to examine myself and the more miserable I felt.
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September 2013
And it is still true, no matter how old you are, when you go out into the world it is best to hold hands and stick together.
~Robert Fulghum
When I was young, there was basically only one thing of which I was ever jealous: beauty. I was jealous of the pretty ones - the ones for whom being in a body seemed to be a breeze, an effortless stroll through life and other people's admiration. I was jealous of those who seemed to meet The Criteria. I wanted to meet that criteria, know it, and live happily ever after because of it.
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August 2013
There is a fountain inside you. Don’t walk around with an empty bucket.
~ Rumi
I had a crush on a boy when I was fifteen. Physically, he was actually the opposite of what I was attracted to. He was substantially overweight, with some sort of mole or birthmark on his face, a larger nose, and an expression that wasn’t particularly inviting. He was smart, however, and had a sharp sense of humor.
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July 2013
So this is how you swim inward, So this is how you flow outwards . . . .
~ Mary Oliver
When I was a kid, I had to have a certain very soft, smooth pillowcase in order to sleep; I was particular about food; if clothing was in any way tight or bothersome, it was wrestled to the ground and rejected. Swimming scared me; putting my face in the water and blowing bubbles was an ordeal. Learning to ride a bike haunted me – I feared losing control. Overall, my personality did not embody the adventurous spirit.
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When I was a kid, it was common for cat owners to let their cats outside, at least in my small world. No one wanted them to get run over or harmed in any way, of course, but the fact that it happened sometimes was accepted - the way we accepted the possibility of accidents and illnesses of all kinds.
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May 2013
As writers (or creative people of any kind), we often contend with the need to be “disciplined”. And often being disciplined is about making ourselves do things - on a schedule with dedication. The portrait of discipline is painted with a sense of sternness and having to take a hard line. Though there are many examples of people who work happily, regularly, and effectively, if it seems too easy, commonly we no longer use the word, “disciplined” to describe them.
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The other day I was at my desk trying to get myself to start working. I didn’t feel like doing anything, it seemed, and yet I also wanted to work. Frustrated and unable to neither crack the proverbial whip nor walk away, I closed my eyes for a moment in the hope of releasing myself from this tug-of-war.
In my mind’s eye, I was back in eighth grade, musing over how good I felt rehearsing our graduation play (it was a musical) and helping out on the production. I thought about Sam (name changed for this tell-all account) – my “co-star,” a fellow eighth grader.
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My recent introduction to the proverb, ”The dogs bark but the caravan moves on” left me considering what might be keeping my caravan from moving on, in terms of my creative work and my life. Metaphorically, despite the barking of our own thoughts, others, or situations, we can always go forward - but sometimes I forget this and feel stuck.
It’s easy to fall into the habit of thinking I am held back because of conditions or people. But these ideas are barking dogs.
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Recently, while he was playing a computer game in which the score was dependent on cumulative rounds of problem solving, every time my son missed a round, he’d quit and start the game again. He wanted to get 100% in the end. When I protested, he said, ‘Perfect is better!” Though opposed to his approach, I was (to my dismay) drawn to his reasoning and found myself faltering to explain my position. Perfect is perfect, after all – but then, that doesn’t necessarily make it better.
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